August 7th, 2026 (Continued): “...But then through college, just realizing this growing, like, what I call a divided heart. Where it was like I was through college I was, like, running this business. Like, throughout it. I was still remaining faithful, going to church, like, trying to go. I already had the habit of going to daily mass most days in college. And then I was also dating on and off. Pretty much each year of college I dated, like, a girl for usually a number of months. But then my senior year, I started going to [Catholic Church], which is right nearby here. And they had a daily mass at 9 a.m. They still have that. And that worked well with my schedule because my business that I was running was a... I basically would work every weekend from, like, 10 p.m. until, like, 4 a.m. So my sleep schedule was, like, really bad. And for me to try to go to daily mass, a 7 a.m. mass was, like, not possible. They didn't have Friday evening masses at [rich kid’s college] at that time. And I had class at 12 o'clock, so it was something. So I started going to the Friday mass at [Catholic church] And Father [priest who wrote the postcard] is the pastor there. He's now our chaplain here, actually. But he was the pastor there at that time. And I would go to mass there every Friday. And, like, it was something that he noticed something in me that I didn't notice. And he invited me to help get started with different young adult… with the young adult group there at the parish. And then just being around the parish a lot more. And then through that, I just realized, like, his life. And just, like, how totally given he was to the Lord. Which that was something that I started to desire. It was, like, I was coming up with this dividedness in my heart where I was, like, trying to… Like, I wanted to give everything to God. But then it was, like, I could only give so much. And it's, like, the more I put towards my businesses, the more I, like, focus on relationships with women, the less I would focus on God. The more that I would focus on God, the more I would neglect the other things. And then just kind of this going back and forth. And it was a little time for me. And that's one of the scriptures that says, like, you cannot serve both God and mammon. You'll either love one and hate the other. And I was realizing that. Like, and then also just with... But I still, I think, it's really interesting to me. So, I mean, I, well, I started after seeing this example from Father [priest who wrote the postcard], I started discerning priesthood where I'm, like, you know, maybe God's calling me to something like this so that I can be undivided heart given totally to Him. And I think in my own life, I tend to be pretty quick to make decisions. I'm not the kind that's just, like, I think it's just, like, temperament-wise, like, definitely like a sanguine temperament. So, like, once I started being open about this and praying about it, it's like God was making clear. And I'm like, yeah, I think this is where He wants me to go. And I then went to the seminary the next year. And I think before that, I was attracted to religious life, but I wasn't open to it. And so I still had my businesses, which I was very much, like, attached to, where I was, like, I'm going to make a bunch of money with these businesses. And then the money, I'm going to support, like, inner-city mission work, which is something that I very much felt God was calling me to. And so I end up just kind of, like, settling with God, or I was like, okay, well, I'll at least discern a celibate vocation. And so I went to the seminary. And while there, just, like, God working on me a lot. And it was something that I remember this before going to the seminary. I lived at the [discernment house house, which is like a discernment house in [suburb] at [adoration] Parish. And I was living there, and Father [cool priest] was the director of the house at that time. And he would always, like, he'd have us do house chores. And he would always have me do the house chores that he knew that I hated. And I'm like, why are you doing this? Which house chores? Pulling weeds. That was my least favorite. He would always be like: ‘Cliffe, you're on weeds.’ And it's like, Father, come on, like. You complained about it a lot. What's that? You complained about it a lot. I complained about it a lot. And then I would always be on weeds. And I'm like, what is he doing? Like, there's all these other guys. Like, they're, like, cleaning toilets. They're, like, cleaning the kitchen. Like, whatever. The fun stuff…”
“Yeah, I know.” - Me
“It's like, I'm going to do something. Like, let me do that. And so it's interesting because, yeah, like, up to that point, like, and even, like, into the seminary, I didn't really have the concept of the cross. I don't know how I made it that far without the concept of the cross. So, like, the biggest thing was, so I was doing everything in the faith for myself. It was, like, I was just, like, I want to be a better person. Like, I'm just, like, trying to get ahead in my own life. And so it was still, like, a very self-centered faith. Like, I don't think I really had very sreal womang charity where I was, like, doing things for the good of others. It was, like, I was doing good things because they were good for me. Like, and I was living that way until, like, partway through seminary when I fell. So by the time I was there in seminary, I was already, I was free from, like, my addiction to pornography for about three years. But then at the seminary, I fell back into it. And that just started this, like, where I was, like, why did this happen? How did this happen? And I was doing a lot of reading and just, like, studying into things. And I read this book that was on asceticism. And I had no concept of that. Like, I was, up to this point, I was always, like, choosing the thing that was, like, that I thought was, like, the best for me. And so it was something that at the seminary, I found it very comfortable. I was on the fifth floor, had to go up a lot of stairs. But there was also an elevator. So I would take the elevator up to the fifth floor. Yeah, like, it's like, oh, I'm tired. I'm not going to, like, do this. I'm just going to take the elevator. They had a nice walk-in freezer cooler that they had all the food that was made before. And you could go in and have a second dinner if you wanted. And I would take advantage of that a lot. Nice, comfortable room, like, comfy chairs and beds and all sorts of stuff. And I read this book on asceticism. And I started realizing, it's like, wow, like, I've just been, like, giving in to all of these small, like, small desires that are more like fleshly desires still. But they're not, like, necessarily sinful in themselves. Like, it's not sinful to take the elevator to the fifth floor. It's not sinful to go for, like, a second dinner necessarily. But it's just constantly giving in to the desires of the flesh. Then the temptation comes up to go back to the ways of sin. And then I started, like, giving in to it. And so then that was something that was partway through the seminary that I fell back into this. And then I realized, like, this monk's need for asceticism. And then I was talking with one of my friends who was a convert to the Catholic faith. And he was an Orthodox priest monk. And when he became Catholic, he visited all these different monasteries. And I was telling him about, like, where I felt called. And he's like, hey, you should visit this monastery. And so I visited this Benedictine monastery that was just, like, in the center of the city down in Chicago. It's called Holy Cross Monastery. Great experience there. They prayed all 150 Psalms in, like, one week. And they, what's that? That's awesome. Yeah. And then they would do, like, I mean, I just see a ton of manual labor. I know they would make, like, caskets and, like, do art, different things. But just seeing that rhythm of prayer and work, prayer and work. And that really struck me. I started being like, wow. Like, this is, like, I could see that this is really some way, like, growing in holiness. By, like, committing to something like this. But one of the things very much feeling God calling me to was the work of evangelization. Like, going back to that first confession. Where it's, like, I knew that it's, like, this is something that so many people in the world were struggling with this. They felt stuck and alone. They didn't know like how to get over their sinfulness and feeling this very much call in my own life to go out and share the good news with people, help to bring people back into communion with Christ and his church. And then I talked with the prior of the monastery and was telling him like, I really feel called to this. And he's like, well, we're not really doing that here, but you might find some other community or something. And so then I kind of at least said this where it's like I started like, yeah, I think I need to like start discerning religious life and started looking for some more like communities that were a little bit more missionary focused, like and just realizing that. Yeah, I think a lot of the communities that I was like in conversation with that were more missionary focused, it seemed that they were maybe once more missionary and then they became a little bit more focused on social justice issues. Where it wasn't really as clear that they were doing direct evangelization, it was still good work as they were doing, but not what I felt called to..."
[POST SPLIT INTO MULTIPLE PARTS DUE TO CHARACTER LIMIT]
